paul and corinna and lucas' blog

I just received this from him:

``:#
#[[`2G JN7   #SJ;/=

His typing's coming along nicely!

I'm sure it's some kind of mathematical code, but I haven't been able to crack it yet...

Wassim: When you've finished talking to your mum, call me, I want to see how Zak got on at nursery.

Wassim: In fact ignore me as you're not my wife!

He he... I'm just glad it was clean!

I had to laugh at this article – whenever Yorkshire folk are on TV or radio we always seem to sound so inarticulate. (West/South Yorkshire particularly.) I was actually embarrassed by one recent interview where the interviewer had to resort to closed questions entirely, putting words into the guy's mouth in order to get anything out! ("That must have made you feel like X?" ...)

I laughed out loud when dad told me this story. He was telling a kid he knows (also called Lucas – though we weren't thinking about him when we chose the name) about our Lucas:

Dad: can you guess what my new grandson's called?

The other Lucas: ... Jesus?

Classic Sunday School response, he he...

He he...

What is it they say about putting powerful tools in the wrong hands? I just managed to set the Artist field for my entire music collection to The Sex Pistols... Doh!

This man is still at large, so we are releasing a second photo – this time he is assuming one of his disguises.

"Spurs might have spent £30m in the summer but in the Premier League that only guarantees you higher wages." (Lawro)

"The best thing about Leeds is it's close to Bradford" (Brian Houston)

I like the latest Basic Instructions:

• "A good vocabulary makes it easier to express your thoughts and confuse your listeners."
  
• "People think a smart person is someone who knows more than them but agrees with them…"
  

Though "How to avoid going dancing" didn't work because he ended up going dancing… Grrr...

This article tells of a guy whose sole purpose in life was to research and write a book (yes, one book). He started in 1967 and has just retired – that's 50,000 hours – having completed a whopping 40% of it...

Wow. That's most of his life. Almost wrote half a book. The quote at the end says it all: "I never really stopped to notice how long it was taking because I was always thinking about the next chapter. It really is incredible how the time has flown."

No, not Council Tax... See here, including:

• It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
• In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon
  
• Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing
• (A good one for Corinna) In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet
• In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day (ooops, I forgot!)
• In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague

Here's the card Corinna had specially made for me:

I knew it! If it isn't Roman Catholic then it's not a proper Church! It is "difficult to see how the title of ‘Church’ could possibly be attributed to them" He he...

It was funny at a Catholic wedding we went to a while back – they did Communion but only Catholics could take part, including the bride but not the groom!!

(Here's the first one.) This is the latest one driving people to God:

I'm gutted I missed a great one over in Leeds too. The problem is they're on main roads, so driving and photographing, hmm... Ah – just thought – we're going over there again soon so hopefully there will be another one here shortly...

One that I've seen in numerous places but not captured on film (well, flash) is this (you'll just have to make do with text rather than the tacky luminous green poster):

"Seven days without [God/prayer/church] makes one weak"

Ho ho... (That's probably the one that made me want to start photographing them.)

I was going past a builder's merchants the other day and one of their signs read: "Even the arabs buy their sand from us!" He he – probably quite true in Bradford!

After talking about it for a while, I've finally decided to start taking photos of funny church noticeboard posters. Here's one from down the road:

Surely they mean upload? (Unless it's one of those "Don't let worry kill you off – let the church help" kinda things.)

You've heard of karaoke, well we had the idea of videoke – rather than singing you do the music video (and everyone has to wear something silly of course). Actually it was inspired by some 'fan' videos I'd seen on youtube – hillarious.

Notice the backing guitarist and drummer on this one:

This is a good 'un too except the CD kept skipping so I had to hack the video around a bit, including a full 20s missing so I just repeated a clip a few times, he he... My favourite bit is the drum solo, class!

And this one is just pure comedy:

You can find the others on my video page. We did 10 in total!

This letter from Spain may have been sent to an old address (not lived there for over a year) and addressed to "Beneficiary" (it did have my name handwritten on the envelope at least, but clearly I can excuse them using a cheap photocopy of a cheap print for the letter itself if they're giving me so much money!) I do think it's slightly odd as I've never bought a lottery ticket in my life (and definitely not in Spain!) but they've explained that: "Your agent bought this ticket in your name" as part of what sounds like like some kind of community outreach programme?

The British National Lottery logo is reassuring though - I was beginning to think it might be a fake! (Hang on, they give away €815500 to one of 36040 people? Those are some good odds!) The money is insured in my name though and backed up by all the important people at the Spanish government, so that's good.

Hang on, if it's photocopied, won't everone else who has the same copy have the same ticket number?

Ha ha, the attached form asks for your bank details - of course! They need something to pay all that money into...

I knew my hubby was a celeb :)

http://www.myheritage.com

I haven't blogged for ages so here goes.....

And here's some more... Last night we made a couple of films with friends. My team's film is Admiral MacGregor: an epic set in Britain and Africa, including pirates, treasure and something about kites:

(You gotta love those production values - I especially like the hairdryer effect, he he... We left it open for a sequel - a daring raid by the surprisingly altruistic pirates on the evil primative British kite wind farms... Those who think the plot was contorted have clearly not discovered the deeper layers of meaning we hid underneath.)

Corinna's team's is Starship Blumer (a play on 'Starship Troopers'): a scifi set in France and Russia, including an elephant, a fruit tree and a desert:



(French desert...? Is that the one right next to the Alps then? And just when you think you're safe, a little evil elephant can just come out of nowhere, typical! And Corinna cast herself as a princess? Surely not!)

The film type, settings and some objects to fit into the storyline were picked out of a hat, and we could use some other random props too. They are silent movies partly because that was a fun thing to do, and partly because the camera doesn't record sound... And the max clip length is 15s which explains why there are no long scenes.

While one team was recording footage, the other team was developing their plot/script and editing. Then after 10 minutes, the teams swapped. We each had 3 of these turns, so effectively 30 minutes shooting and 30 minutes editing in total. Though Tom & Nat put in more time afterwards - don't worry, you'll be in our acceptance speeches...   :)

And here's Corinna setting a bad example with an incident involving jingle bells and some helium:

Unfortunately someone was trying to talk to me while I was trying to record it, doh! Taken back in Christmas '05 using my old phone which explains the quality...

To celebrate, here's some of the best questions asked at tourist centres in 2006:

• Are there any lakes in the Lake District?
• Is Wales closed during the winter?
• What is the entry fee for Brighton?
• Can you tell me who performs at the circus in Piccadilly?
• What Tube line runs to Edinburgh?
• Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?
• Can you tell me where the mountain is in Scotland?
• What time of night does the Loch Ness monster surface and who feeds it?

Brilliant. (source)

As the Wii hits the shops, this is a great blog to watch: wiidamage.com. I especially like TV skewered by Wii remote, har har...

Har har, Corinna found the OK Brothers doing Here It Goes Again (take off of OK Go done live by guys in our church)...

Corinna getting in the snowy season mood the other day:

Har har: Bradford City fans have produced a book about the achievements of rivals Leeds United - consisting of 36 blank pages.

Well, that's ruined my Christmas. Christmas pudding is my favourite pudding of the year! But apparently it's illegal, as are mince pies, and on Christmas day: any bird except goose, any sport and even driving to church! (According to Oliver Cromwell, Henry VIII, Elizabeth I and the Holy Days and Fasting Days Act of 1551 anyway.)

And did you know, over 1.8 billion Christmas cards are sent annually in the UK. Producing these cards requires over 200,000 trees to be felled each year. And over 19,000 tonnes of turkey is cooked each Christmas. Around 6,711 tonnes of fresh whole turkeys and 12,472 tonnes of frozen whole turkeys - wow, all those criminals flaunting the law! Something should be done about that.

Matt still wets the bed? I'm not saying he does - I'm just asking!! I found the full version of Jon Stewart's rant on Cavuto question marks (or here) - just brilliant...   :)

Man these bloggers have a boring life!   :)

Another Police warning: We only have an artist's impression of this one. The telltale signs include a missing thumb on the left hand and opposable feet:

I thought I better reprint this from the Police!

WARNING! This man has escaped! If seen, DO NOT APPROACH, call the Police immediately - he is extremely dangerous. We have had some reports that he may have escaped to as far as Australia, but those reports are unconfirmed. And he could return to visit at any time anyway, so Britain cannot ease our vigilance!

This is the most recent photo we have of him:

Government assumes divine power to determine eternal fate: The Russian government has leafleted every home in Russia saying people who give or take bribes will "burn in the flames of hell." Interesting coming from a government that would have probably imprisoned itself for saying such a thing not so long ago!

Talking of Pete, here his is on holiday recently, visiting his cloning experiment Nigel:

They must coordinate wardrobes as well! Joan tells a funny story about this. Before they met him, they were sunbathing by the pool and Pete went to the loo. Later Joan looked up to see Pete coming back and going to the wrong sunbed! And staying there! (It was Nigel...)

Here's another youtube: Yorkshire Airlines promo, ha ha, brilliant...

Corinna's dad, Pete, recently had the rjc dance company performing at the church he's the custodian of. There are some videos of them getting ready on their website. In the first one, the kids are doing some interpretive dance, and if you look closely, you can see Pete joining in...

Wow! Artificial Intelligence From the Bible - the shocking revelation that the Bible has a hidden symbolic metaphor to describe the organization and operation of the brain! The same guy warns us of Voodoo Physics (where he names and shames physicist "crackpots" - interesting choice of phrase) and Why Software Is Bad (where he argues that replacing it all with hardware would be better). I wonder how much software that guy used to make his site? A text editor, graphics editor, browser, webserver, ftp software, database, php, etc. Ok I shouldn't judge without reading it all, but come on, give me a break!   :)   (Thanks to Alister for the link.)

A funny thing happened on Sunday. We were running a bit late for Church, and walking through the foyer literally just before the meeting a friend said to me, "we need some more blokes in the choir tonight, can you do it?" So I ummed and aahed for a bit, and said yes - there's a first time for everything I figured. Then she said "You'll know the songs, except the second one is that new one we did this morning." Argh!!

I did it anyway, and it was a lot of fun in the end. For that second song, I kinda made the words up a bit and looked over at the screen a few times, but I thought I got away with it. James saw me and said it was obvious though, he he...

Ha ha: a brilliant Zizou game!

For no reason whatsoever, here's a clip of James...

It's funny how a man that lives with a woman with PMT thinks it's just an excuse to get mad at him, I don't need an excuse!!!!!!!!!

It's funny to see how a woman with PMT takes "PMT is just a socially acceptable excuse to be mean"...   :)

WEBLOG wannabe 2006 weblog award awarded to Corinna Parkins in the category of "Best wife award"

This is neddy and jasper, my new virtual pets, Paul thinks it's too much responsibility to have a real one, so I have resorted to these cuties xx

You can pet my pets, but be careful, they might bite!!

This is funny: Man fined for putting rubbish in bin. He dumped a couple of junk letters, but it's an offence to use a street litter bin for "domestic refuse"! Council officials traced him from the addresses on the envelopes. They defended their action but I love the Lord Chancellor's reaction: "It does feel a bit disproportionate to me and, indeed, until I heard (about this), I thought we were being encouraged to drop litter in litter baskets".

An extract from Corinna's next lesson:

Dear Mr and Mrs Gingerbread man,

I am writing to apologise for my dreadful behaviour. On March the 12th I brutally murdered your dear little Gingerbread boy. I am gravely sorry for my actions however he tasted delicious especially his black raisin eyes. After eating him I felt extremely guilty. I am therefore asking for your forgiveness and a hope that one day we could be friends.

Yours sincerely,

Mr S Fox.

P.S. Can I come round to your house for tea?

(They are studying the Gingerbread man story at the moment...)

Wow, check out this blog!

Finally! It's official...

WEBLOG wannabe 2006 weblog award awarded to Paul Parkins in the category of "Sexiest Weblogger Alive"

Here's a few funny things that have happened recently.

In the supermarket the other day, I was putting my stuff on the desk thingy and, as you do, I started looking at what the person in front was buying. I forget exactly what there was, probably chocolate and crisps, but the last thing was a Men's Fitness magazine with a stereotypical perfect man's body on the front. I looked up to see who was buying it - expecting to see someone similar, someone who took his fitness seriously - but this was the unhealthiest guy you've ever seen, he was huge! Just goes to show you can read all the right stuff but it won't necessarily have the intended results!

Also in the supermarket, we just bought some Quorn and creamy mushroom pies - so that would be mushroom and mushroom pie then eh? Nice... Also on food, we went round to a friend's house for tea recently, a friend who hasn't done much cooking for veggies before. She said the local butcher gave her a funny look when she asked where she could get some Quran meat! (That was in Bradford too) he he...

One day I woke up and looked at the alarm clock - argh! I'd slept in! I jumped out of bed, got ready and drove to church as quick as possible. But strangely the traffic was much heavier than normal. It took me ages just to get a mile down the road so I texted ahead to say I would be late. I eventually got there 20 minutes late but the car park was empty - weird!? "Is it Thursday?" I thought (it was Wednesday but we had a free day on the Thursday). I wandered in and found someone else on the course. I said "What's going on? Where is everyone?" She was in the middle of something and just looked at me puzzled. As I wandered off I checked my mobile for messages and noticed that it was 8:50 not 9:50! Doh!! He he... Yes I checked the clock, but I only checked the minutes not the hours! Doh! Half-asleep still. The traffic was busier because it was rush hour. The person I texted laughed when they saw I was in before them. Even funnier: Charlotte came in to teach us that day and the first words out of her mouth were "A key skill leaders must master is to be able to tell the time." (She was speaking on Ecc 3.) I chuckled... (And in case you're thinking, yes it was before the clock change on Sunday - strangely enough I managed to remember that!)

Last Thursday I was helping out on the car park for a meeting at church. I was on the road outside waving people in if it was safe. Before the meeting an old car came and stopped across the road. There were two guys in it, they left the engine running and were there for ages. Very odd. One was about 20 and whenever I looked over I could see him laughing. This may be a bit paranoid, but I'm sure he was looking at me. After a long time they drove down the road, turned around, and as they drove past me he hung out of the window geering and giving me the finger - as you do. I thought it was quite funny so I just smiled back. After the meeting I was back out there, this time waving people out. Guess who drove past again... Except this time just as they approached where I was they got a flat tyre! They drove on the rim far enough to park right outside church. I went up to them and in a friendly way said hello, checked if they had a spare ok, and it was so funny to see the same guy's reaction. He was like "er, erm, yeah, er, we're ok." I don't think he knew what to expect! It was just so funny that he was acting all tough and confident when he thought he'd never see me again, but then two hours later he's stuck right here and had quite a different attitude! I didn't think of it until later but I could have said "You obviously can't stay away from the place!" and invited them in!

Out driving the other day we encountered some signs saying "Humped Zebra Crossing." Terrible...

Hi, well we're back from our hols in Tunisia. We had a great time out there, but we're back in the thick of it now. Will write more later... For now, I just spotted this: is Liam a saint now?

Oasis hellraiser Liam Gallagher is so determined to instill discipline in his two sons, he regularly takes them to church and has banned swearing.

The foul-mouthed Wonderwall rocker, who has a well-documented history of drug use, claims to behave like "a f***ing saint" around Gene, four today (01/06/05), and Lennon, five.

The 32-year-old says, "I won't have my kids getting lippy. No swearing.

"I don't smack either. I give them a dropped eyebrow look and then they know.

"I want to live until I'm 120 and be near my kids. I go to church. I don't ask for things - I just think. I spend an hour with The Big One. I don't do confession, I've got nothing to confess. I'm practically a f**king saint.

"I'm a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way."

He he, maybe not. He does have a social conscience though!

The people at work have gone sign crazy. To start with it was cute, on a cigarette bin:

No cigarettes please - Bluetits nesting!

But now it's just gone silly, on a door:

HAZARD! Open door with caution!

So as a joke, someone's pinned a sign on one of our coathangers that reads:

CAUTION! Improper use of coathangers can lead to personal injury!

He he...

Ha ha, the new WWJD: WWJE!

This is superb! StoreWars (Can be a bit choppy unless you let the whole thing load first, and make sure you put your headphones on!) Apparently a friend of a friend was involved in making it too!

That wouldn't be this would it man? Only a month and a half behind the times isn't too bad I guess...

A friend at work thinks he's found some prophesy from a mystic in 1140 (called St Malachi) that predicted this Pope's death and his successor as "Olive's Glory" (sounds like a race horse anyway!). He's tried to work out which of the cardinals that refers to and put a tenner on him at 25-1! Ha ha...

P.S. not that any of you do, but don't use my friday.co.uk or other another.com addresses from now on. They expired and I'm not going to pay £24 just for a few email addresses!

From here: "if an if's branches branch the same, then why else, or or, or even if really needed?" He he, there really are some classics on that site...   :)

Paul: No way! Our worship pastor was in Neighbours from 1988-1990! Anyone remember Nick Page?? Compare this and this with this! (he's on the right) This is genuine, not a joke! We just found out tonight! Ha ha...

We also found out the other week that some of our staging was from Pop Idol too (something to do with the Gareth Gates connection I guess) Cool...!

Marmite ads banned: I knew it was evil!

A teenage criminal received £567,000 in compensation after suing the company that owned a warehouse, the roof of which he fell through while trespassing. "He claimed that if the perimeter fence had not been in disrepair he would not have been able to gain entry and suffer his injuries." (source)

I wonder if you could use the same excuse for Pharming, "well, guv, it's the DNS' fault for being on the internet... if it wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to poison it..."

The Very Best Of Keggy Keegle - a tribute to Kevin Keegan, who just left City. Very funny... E.g.:

• "People will say that was typical City, which really annoys me. But that's typical City, I suppose..."
• "They're the second best team in the world and there's no higher praise than that."
• "If I had a blank piece of paper there'd be five names on it."
• "The 33 or 34 year olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
• "The tide is very much in our court now."
• "The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23."
• "There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."
• "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."
• "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon."
• "Despite his white boots, he has real pace..."
• "Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 2Os or 3Os."
• "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time."
• "We managed to wrong a few rights."
  
• "He's [Shaun Wright-Phillips] got a heart as big as his size, which isn't big, but his heart's bigger than that."

And some other classics, he he...

Corinna's offical fan club page:

Corinna is a great stopping off place for those heading north to a vacation in Moosehead Lake. ...

Corinna offers a quality of life that is unmatched with many nearby outdoor recreational opportunities.

(found by Corinna, he he!)

Wow... America has started its Terminator development programme:

The Pentagon is spending £70 billion on a programme to build heavily-armed robots for the battlefield capable of hunting and killing. They are planning units of about 2,000 men and 150 robots, among them land-based "infantry" devices and drone aircraft. In the far future it is hoped that the miniaturised robots will walk like humans, or hover like some birds. Others may look like insects.

The US military has already bought a tracked robot which can enter highly risky sites such as cave complexes favoured by al-Qa'eda, controlled by a soldier from a distance of up to 1,000 yards. That human involvement has proved critical in convincing military lawyers that machines can be used on the battlefield. More advanced machines which can decide whether to kill would also be legal.

Once robotic technology is developed, the Americans say, the cost of a robot soldier might be only 10 per cent that of its human counterpart.

!!!

No mention of SkyNet yet - though SkyTV haven't denied involvement (of course, they haven't been asked but that isn't relevant).

As an AI person, I can't say I'm too impressed by talk of machines making life-or-death decisions. Mind you, maybe they would make better decisions? You'd have to be pretty sure the software was bug-free. And it would have to be incredibly secure. There are enough problems already with hackers. And the only damage they can do is cause annoyance and maybe nick some money. But if you could hack these robots you could cause serious damage...!

He he, I just did something really dim. The sun is shining onto my monitor (as it does this time of day), so I went to close the blinds. I walked over to them and started pulling the cord that closes them but nothing happened. I stood there confused for a second before I realised that the blinds were in a pile on the floor by the window. They must had fallen off earlier...   :)

For valentine's day: Geek Love Poem T-shirt. It reads:

roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you

Ha ha...

Also, just to help out those singles out there on valentine's day, I had an idea for super-speed match-making using your mobile phone. (Not that I'm trying to encourage that kind of thing, but it would be a good business idea...)   :)

You add standard dating agency-type things to your mobile's profile, like your interests, desires and rating of your looks, the range of kinds of person you're looking for, etc. Then they enable a program that scans for other mobiles in the area with a dating profile (using bluetooth, since new mobiles all seem to come with it now).

You could then go to a screen that shows you all the matches found so far (including a rating of how likely they are to be interested in you). Then you could bluetooth/SMS a date proposal if you want. So just by having your mobile on as you go around normally, it would collect dates for you!   :)

You could make money off of it by writing and selling the program, but it would put dating agencies out of business. Having proposed that though, it makes me think of Professor Frink when he's describing his supercomputer, the Frinkiac-7, to Apu and other researchers in the 70's (from The Simpsons):

Apu: Could it be used for dating?

Frink: Well, theoretically, yes. But the computer matches would be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest. Mw-hurgn-whey.

He he...

I'm just trying to read an Italian forum. Google's translation made this of one guy's signature quote:

This business e' binary, or six or a six zero, not are second classify to you... alive or died.

He he... I wonder what it means?

I'm guessing "This business e' binary" means "This e-business", but I'm still clueless...!

So, David Moyes wins Big Brother. Who would have thought it? I didn't know football managers were so popular! Thing is, I saw him on Match of the Day at the Everton v Charlton game on Saturday... How did he manage to sneak out of the Big Brother house just for the game? Spooky...

Another lookalike I spotted on MOTD was Norwich's Darren Huckerby and Ben Stiller (that guy from Meet the Parents). He he...

What wacky footie results this weekend though. Who would have predicted West Brom 2, Man City 0; Crystal Palace 3, Spurs 0; Everton 0, Charlton 1; Norwich 4, Middlesbro 4 and Southampton 2, Liverpool 0, all in the same weekend?? It cost one of my Fantasy Football teams dear!

He he, check out thebricktestament.com. A bit like the Lego Star Wars but for the Bible. I'm not sure how reverent it is (it's a bit iffy in places), but it seems genuine enough...

I did a bit of maths and there are 173 stories and 2102 illustrations... At 20 minutes each that would take him 2 working days every week for a year!

Well, this is probably the last post before Christmas (ahem, "the holidays"), so Happy Christmas to all! (substitute Holidays, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Eid, hippy-dippy solstice worship, etc. as appropriate).

Matt and Jo's Christmas tree looks almost normal there, but you should see it in real life, it's huge! My arms at full span didn't get near half way round!

Some recent headlines:
Letter arrives - 286 years late.
Roman's tax returns on pirate CD: Roman Abramovich's financial records are being sold on CD in Russia for £20. Hackers broke into the country's tax office records and downloaded all the tax returns for the Moscow area. The information includes income, address, business, telephone and the financial history of other well known politicians and businessmen.
Yale put one over Harvard 'suckers': Yale students pretended to be members of the Harvard Pep Squad, and passed out pieces of paper to Harvard American football fans, telling them that when held up together the pieces of paper would spell out: "GO HARVARD". Hoping to support their Ivy League college team, hundreds of Harvard fans, in unison, held up the huge message to their side on the field. But only fans on the Yale side of the stadium got the joke as they read the opposition announce in big letters: "WE SUCK."

He he, Wassim just sent me some really funny recordings. These two guys went to the Information Centre at Heathrow dressed as chauffeurs about 40 minutes after a Thai Airways or Air India flight had landed. In true Bart-esque style they asked for a them to announce over the PA asking for these people to come to the Information Centre (but they were careful to not pronounce the names themselves):

name(s)	sounds like
Arheddis Jaab and Aywellbe Fayed	I hate this job and I will be fired
Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie	I've just been fired, and bye-bye everybody
Makollig Jezvahted and Levda Roum	My colleague just farted, and left the room

Tee hee...  :)

Some classic post-match verbal gaffes courtesy of The Gaffta Awards:

• "We didn't underestimate them - they were just better than we thought." - Sir Bobby Robson
• "We're flying on Concorde. That'll shorten the distance - that's self-explanatory" - Sir Bobby Robson
• "Because of the booking I'll miss the Holland game, if selected" - Gazza
• "I never predict anything and I never will." - Gazza
• There is no in-between - you're either good or bad. Today we were in-between." - Gary Lineker
• "Anelka left Arsenal for £23million and they built a training ground on him." - Kevin Keegan
• "He dribbles a lot. Opposition don't like it. You can see it all over their faces." - Ron Atkinson

Also some more good news: 'Matt Parkins' is an anagram of Armpit Stank, what does that tell you? (thanks to Wassim for the link to anagramgenius.)

Check out this game released to commemorate the Man U v Arsenal incident the other day (with thanks to Wassim).

Ho ho...

• 'Employee of the month' is a paradox, how can someone be such a winner and loser at the same time?
• The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
• The right to bear arms is only slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
• I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw a sign saying "This door is alarmed." I said to myself "how do you think I feel?"
• I like to go into the Body Shop and shout really loud "I've already got one!"
• If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Der dum, chishhh. (Courtesy of Alister.)

You've heard of things like Extreme Ironing where people throw themselves out of planes and do ironing? Well check out Extreme Accounting (note the sponsor, CODA):

Are you bored with the everyday routine of extreme sports? If so, then maybe you should try injecting the adrenaline rush of accounting into the whole experience...

Also, I read this article the other day. It sounds like the Spanish government are going to take Churches out of their equivalent of our Gift Aid scheme (where charities can claim back tax on giving). I don't have a problem with that, but I thought this statement was a little worrying:

The Socialist government has already pledged to confront the Church ideologically and fiscally and to transform Spain into a fully secular society by scrapping the Church's "privileged position in society".

(Do they have a privileged position?) Thankfully (and unusually (?) - or is that just my British conditioning?) a Spanish newspaper spoke up in reply "secularism should not be used as a weapon against half the country". In reference to the Spanish Civil War they said: "If we should learn anything from recent history that it is a mistake to use secularism as a weapon against believers."

"Half the country" is maybe a bit of an exaggeration. 80% of Spaniards consider themselves to be Catholic, 40% say they 'almost never' go to church, 20% claim to go regularly to church. (I wonder what happens to the other 20%? Alien abduction maybe?) Anyway, the article finishes with:

Although Spain has been a Catholic country since the expulsion of the Moors in 1492 is has also long had a tradition of anti-clericalism that flared violently during the civil war. The old saying was that "a Spaniard is always behind a priest, either with a candle or a stake."

He he...

Sobering though. Secularism really is the new Christianity, for Europe anyway.

Some recent headlines:
Dog has ears insured for £30,000
Canadian man phones family during funeral
Harold Bishop to rap?: Neighbours veteran Ian Smith is to release a hip-hop record
Man arrested for leaving small tip
Hostage loses job for missing work: his boss accused him of making it all up
Star Wars' Yoda was based on Einstein: Skywalker was originally intended to be a midget and Han Solo a big green monster with gills

And finally, contestants on the X Factor have had to sign a contract promising not to punch Simon Cowell. And Insurance companies may be banned from giving women cheaper car insurance because it's sexist. Insurers says that's unfair because their prices are based on statistics proving women are safer drivers than men, and has nothing to do with discrimination. So discriminating based on mathematics is ok?

TV hunt for parish priest: A vicar is to be given a year to turn around the dwindling congregation (nine people, most of them elderly) of a rural church (Barnsley, South Yorks) for a new television reality show. The producers of the series, provisionally titled Priest Idol, are looking for prospective clergymen willing to take on the challenge.

He he...

Cars galore in Oprah giveaway: At the opening of the show's 19th season on Monday, Oprah called 11 members of the audience to the stage, surprising them with new cars. She then handed out gift boxes to the rest of the audience, saying one contained a 12th free car. At the count of three, all boxes were opened at the same time, unleashing shrieks of delight from every remaining participant - she had given a new car to everyone in the audience! A total of 276 Pontiac G6 sports sedans were given away - worth $7m in all. (with thanks to Wassim.)

Some recent movie inconsistencies (thanks to Anna):

Very funny: A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels.

Mankind return the favour to birdkind:

Man was raised by chickens: Social workers in Fiji are trying to rehabilitate a 32-year-old man they say was raised by chickens.
Injured seagull gets Barbie's leg: A badly injured seagull was saved after its wounded leg was amputated and replaced with parts from a Barbie doll.

Microsoft 'patents human skin': Microsoft has reportedly succeeded in patenting 'method and apparatus for transmitting power and data using the human body'. It's part of a project to link together several devices in a network using skin as the connector.

Huge win for Euro punter: A lucky punter has scooped £332,625 by backing Greece to win Euro 2004. The man, who lives in Woking, put a total of £24,000 on outsiders Greece. He bet on them at the outset of the tournament then backed them even more heavily as they progressed towards the final. "He is back at work today but I believe he is considering a holiday - probably in Greece." Before Euro 2004 kicked off, Greece were 150-1 to win the tournament.

And this one is scarily close to the truth:



(Thanks to Wassim)

Ooops, I've been walking around all morning with my middle shirt button undone! Better than a zip I guess...   :)

He he... Sunglasses for dogs, check out those pics...   :)

'Make it in Scotland' shirts made in Morocco: A Scottish employment quango is under fire after getting its staff to wear T-shirts saying 'Make it in Scotland' that were actually made in Morocco.
Post Office petition lost in the post: A petition calling on the Post Office not to close a local branch was never received - because it got lost in the post.
Croatian 'phone a friend' is banned: A 'phone a friend' on Croatia's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is being banned because he helps people to win too much. It's reported he's helped contestants to almost £1m in prizes. He said: "I can understand the show's producers as I was asked to be the phone friend by at least one person on every show." He's unable to take part in the show himself because arthritis in his fingers means he wouldn't get past the 'fastest finger first' section.

He he, I just sold The Simpsons Sing the Blues CD to James Brown!

Owwwww! I feel good, dernerdernerdernerner, I knew that I would...

It's a pity they didn't cover any of his tracks.   :)

Yay, Leeds tops the league table in something - most car thefts (% drivers making a claim):

1. Leeds 5.3%
2. Bristol 4.4%
3. Manchester 3.6%
4. London 3.4%
5. Swansea 3.4%
6. Sheffield 3.4%
7. Nottingham 3.2%
8. Stockport 3.2%
9. Liverpool 3.2%
10. Cardiff 3.0%

Britons 'Too Lazy to Take A Stroll': A third of Britons are too lazy to take a ten-minute walk, claims a new survey. And only 15% of people were expected to have spent time over the bank holiday weekend in the outdoors.

Thats really bad! Makes me feel a bit better that Paul and I went on a 3 mile trek yesterday. I always feel a lot fitter after a good walk and it's a great time to have 'deep' talks with Paul... :)

Hamster 'saved by being too fat': A hamster reportedly cheated death when he was sucked up by a vacuum cleaner - because he was too fat to go down the tube.
Four-year-old joins Mensa. He had a vocabulary of 70 words when he was just a year old, and he now has an IQ of 130, equal for his age to the 146 adults need to enter. His parents say the boy, who has also learned Spanish from satellite TV, is just a normal boy who likes comic books.

Finally! We're up to sixth on MSN search results for haircut gallaries, only 5 more places to go...

Tut tut, kids these days...

Student expelled over pie thrown during pie throwing event
Internet church attracting wrong kind of worshippers: The world's first three-dimensional internet church has been attacked by cyber demons logging on as Satan.
'Blind' golf champion under investigation: A champion blind golfer is under investigation after it was claimed he can see after all.
US baseball player injured while sneezing

:)

How can I be Marge??


I'm Marge, who are you? by Lexi

Breaking news. Hmmm, I'm trying to think of something... Maybe I should wait til I've got some news to break before announcing it... Erm, the shelves I put up are still standing... I've moved desks at work (I'm now sat next to my boss and near the rest of my team - it was really dusty, not nice thinking that this is all the last guy's dead skin!) What else...

Church gets web-pastor
Priest's sign makes thieves think again: "Those who steal from here will be cursed" (the warning was just meant to discourage the thieves: "In fact we pray for the poor and those who sin by stealing things from other people.")
Leeds United's new home shirt includes a logo which changes colour to show the increase of physical effort and body temperature
Driver received a parking ticket after workmen painted yellow lines under his car
Banks can't give money away
Prison employs inmates as guards
Punter lands £879,000 with £2 bet
Sony comes up with paper disc

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
• How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a barbeque?

(Credit to my sis.) I learnt that last one the hard way last week. And after I got it going I found out I'd put the charcoal in the wrong place!

He he, this is from the Oxford dictionary people: How do you spell 'poppadom'? As with many words from foreign languages which have their own alphabets, there is no universally accepted way of transcribing the Tamil name of this food into English. The Concise Oxford Dictionary (1999) lists the word at poppadom, but mentions poppadum, and popadom, as alternatives. The variant spellings which have been listed in Oxford dictionaries include

• papadam
• papaddam
• papadom
• papadum
• papodam
• papodum
• popadam
• popadom
• poppadam
• poppadom
• poppadum
• poppodam
• puppadum
• puppodam
• puppodum

However, there is nothing to say that you cannot use the unlisted spellings

• papodom
• popadum
• poppodom
• poppodum
• puppadam
• puppadom, and
• puppodom

Take your pick! (see the other questions in that FAQ too...)   :)

This is really funny...

1. Go to www.google.com
2. Type in (but don't hit enter): "weapons of mass destruction".
3. Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button.
4. Read carefully what appears to be a normal error message. Make sure you read the whole thing.

Church of Fools: the world's first "three-dimensional" internet church service is being launched next month, having cartoon characters for the priest/congregation and wooden pews. This May 11th, Ship of Fools will open Church of Fools as a three-month online experiment in interactive worship. (See the story for images)

I guess this was expected in an age of Web Pastors... (the world's first "three-dimensional" church? Are they calling ours two dimensional??   :)   ).

He he, a little cruel, but fun: www.uglyfootballers.com, I especially like the Top Trumps section - you can play against the computer!   :)     (Thanks to Wassim)

Amateur nets world's fastest goal: An amateur footballer has netted the world's fastest goal straight from kick-off. The striker tried his luck from the halfway line, and a strong gust of wind carried the ball over the opposition keeper. The referee timed the goal at two seconds. The current world record is 2.8 seconds and Guinness are now checking Marc's claim.
Aussie judge forgets he's the "idiot" who bailed serial burglar: An Australian judge who demanded to know the name of the "idiot'' who granted bail to a serial burglar discovered he was talking about himself.

Q: What does an Arsenal fan do when they reach the semi-final of the Champions League?
A: Switch the Playstation off...

(Thanks to Wassim)

Thanks to my pal Kori for this. You know you grew up in the 1980's if...

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "psyche".
2. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
3. You know that "woah! " comes from Joey on Blossom.
4. Two words: Hammer Pants.
5. You ever watched Fraggle Rock.
6. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes.
7. You can sing the entire theme song to Duck Tales (Wooooh!)
8. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
9. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
10. L.A. Gear ... need I say more?
11. You still get the urge to say "not" after every sentence.
12. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
13. You knew all the characters' names and their life stories on Saved By the Bell, the ORIGINAL class
14. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "Shot Through The Heart".

Have you ever been asked "I want to download the Internet. Do I need a bigger hard disk?" Show them this:

(Wait a few seconds...)

Accountancy humour for the 1st April: CODA Announces Collaborative Decision Justification (see this afterwards, skip down to the bit that says "Actually, that's not true").

There's always a serious side behind it though isn't there: "anyone who buys more than £1million worth of software as a result of this little ruse will receive a complete set of Hitch-hiker and Dirk Gently novels delivered in person by a genuine, real-life Arthur Dent look-alike." He he... :)

"'No news' is usually just delayed bad news" - Paul Parkins.

The best headlines of 2003:

• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Doh! I just split cold tea over my keyboard and all over the mouse... (I forgot I hadn't drank it!)

He he, you've got to laugh at where people go from search engines. Apparently one hit for this page came from someone searching for "facts on David beckam" on Yahoo. We're 40th in that search list for some reason. And there's a few matches for "Necor Buldon Slock" and that kind of thing (from the silly IQ question I posted). There's even a hit from Sweden! Must be Eriksson... I keep telling him I don't want to co-coach England! Does he listen? There's a few of unknown origin as well which is probably more worrying. I hope aliens aren't assessing the worthiness of the human race's existence from websites like this! Argh!

Doh! Surgeon suspended over bowl of soup goes back to work: A brain surgeon suspended for allegedly taking an extra bowl of soup from a hospital canteen without paying for it will be back at work tomorrow. Mr Hope, a consultant neurosurgeon at the Queen's Medical Centre, Nottingham, told colleagues he was only taking a helping of croutons he had forgotten on his first visit to the counter. Three brain operations had to be cancelled because of his suspension.

Scotland invents deep-fried chocolate sandwich (they must have somehow formulated a workaround while England was still wrestling with the cocoa matrix). [Doh! Sorry matt for the duplicate posting... I'm just catching up... And yes, I am proud...   :)  ]

And the most annoying phrases in English are:

• at the end of the day (as in, "at the end of the day it comes down to ...")
• at this moment in time
• like (as a form of punctuation)
• with all due respect
• bear with me
• think outside the box
• basically
• 24/7

I know some people who use these all the time...   :)   I would add "For me, ...". Apparently, "using these terms in daily business is about as professional as wearing a novelty tie or having a wacky ringtone on your phone."

Reminds me of a piece of software specifically developed to strip out all the guff from documents, called Bullfighter: "A value-added, leverageable global knowledge repository. Repurposeable, leading edge thoughtware that delivers results-driven value. A future-proof asset that seamlessly empowers your mission critical enterprise communications. Bullfighter could be all of these things. Except that we have no idea what any of these things are." The Telegraph tested it on some political and business speeches, the results were amusing. One speech was so jargony that it even managed to crash the computer.

Bank robbery suspect surrenders after watching new Mel Gibson film
Brum's eternal flame may not burn eternally: An eternal flame lit to promote world peace and harmony in Birmingham has been extinguished in a dispute over who pays the gas bill.
'Drunk bank manager forgets to lock up': A bank manager in India has been suspended after allegedly forgetting to lock his branch one evening.
Great Wall myth removed from textbooks: Chinese education officials have ordered school textbooks be rewritten to remove the myth that the Great Wall can be seen from space. "Having this falsehood printed in our elementary school textbooks is probably the main cause of the misconception being so widely spread." He he...
Dinosaur-like creature spotted in Papua New Guinea: Police in Papua New Guinea have been ordered to search part of a remote island after locals reported seeing a giant dinosaur-like creature roaming the area.

Well, it's good to see we're finally getting some useful robots being designed: one for fox-hunting, another for trumpet-playing (check out the photo on that one!). Probably paid for by a million dollar note, but at least they know the sex of them. An Australian, not wanting to be outdone decided to invent a head-shooting nailgun, but he's about as clever as this guy, or maybe these guys. These made me laugh though: Acclaimed wetland was result of leaky pipe and 'Scruffy' Brad and George not recognised... I shouldn't though really.

Hey cool, the CoE want a Web Minister too...   :)   Maybe I should apply?

He he, I just got an email from CDWOW saying "Doh! Have we done something wrong? It seems that you haven't shopped with us this year, and we're concerned that we have upset you in some way! (Hopefully not, but have a Free 50p Off Discount anyway)".   :)   How cool...

The chief of elections in Malaysia has told political parties not to promise favours from God in return for votes in forthcoming polls.

Cha! How are they going to win if they can't do that?   :)

Tiger Woods tees-off 1000ft up Dubai hotel: How cool!

The villagers of Lost find the way forward: A village near Aberdeen called Lost is to have its name changed to Lost Farm because council officials are tired of replacing village signs stolen by souvenir hunters.
Pensioner asked for ID while buying cigarettes: A 72-year-old Norwegian woman was shocked when she was asked for ID as she tried to buy cigarettes. However, she said in spite of it all, she was a little flattered that someone thought she was that young.
Church that promotes non-drinking runs competition on beer mats: The Methodist church has joined forces with the Ship of Fools in a competition to find an eleventh commandment by running a competition on beer mats.
Cherie recalls a rough night for Tony: Tony Blair once spent a night sleeping rough on a park bench.

Do you want faster data transfer over WiFi? Use the WiFi Speed Spray!

He he, I love the attention to detail: "Actual results may vary" and especially the Money-Back Guarantee and Disclaimer...   :)

(Thanks to Wassim).

Enough ranting... Here's a survival tip: if you get buried in an avalanche, the best way to determine which way is 'up' is to try and make a hole in front of your face and spit. Watch which way the spit falls and start digging in the opposite direction!

Heated boot pegs for cold Man U stars: They have been given heated boot pegs after moaning that their feet were cold... Who's calling them sissies?

'Instant' has been redefined: Apparently, using pulses of laser light to watch an electron moving around inside an atom, scientists have been able to distinguish motion over periods as brief as 100 attoseconds (100 attoseconds is to a second what one second is to about 300 million years). It takes an electron roughly 150 attoseconds to complete a single orbit of the proton at the centre of a hydrogen atom...

Welshman hospitalised after dog peed on electric fence: Yeah, I didn't think that wouldn't be a good idea...

David Brent-style bosses are a man's biggest irritation: ha ha, this is funny. The top two "most annoying aspects of modern life" I can understand (not saying anything Corinna...), but 3 and 5?? How shallow are these guys!

1. clueless bosses
2. annoying partners
3. bad football managers
4. speed cameras
5. overpriced drinks

He he... I don't care what they say, I think you've just got to love this guy. I've known people like him. The Office is so true to life...

How cool! Hitachi shows off 3D display

Apparently it allows 360-degree viewing of an object rendered in light, without the need to use special glasses. It uses a combination of mirrors and light to create the image, and is being developed for use in shop displays and games...

How very Star Wars...   :)   I love the expression on the kids' faces too. The lad's really excited and amazed, and the girl is totally disinterested... ("What am I supposed to be looking at again?")

This is interesting: Britain 'wallowing in mourning sickness', something that Corinna and I have noticed more and more...

Remember the penguin javelin? Well here's the darts... (wait for the penguin to be flipped by the Orca, then throw a snowball to get it onto the board...). My highest score for a single penguin in 83.6 (on the edge of the yellow). Didn't do so well overall though... :)

(thanks to Wassim for this)

Children's Pancake race scrapped over insurance costs: Youngsters at Okehampton Primary School in Devon have for years taken part in the Shrove Tuesday event. But next Tuesday's run in the town's Red Lion Yard has had to be cancelled because of marshalling costs. The organiser said "I cannot ask the children to pay. If we ever do it again we would have to get a sponsor." The mayor said it was another example of bureaucracy ruining simple pleasures. A spokesman for the British Insurance Brokers Association said the UK was an increasingly litigious society, and people wanted to cover their backs should an accident occur.

Oh please!?!? Do we really have to go down the 'I'll sue for just about anything' route?

Thanks to Anna for this: It is soooo stupid but true... it's going to drive you crazy!

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it!

Women outspend men on internet and apparently they "will be devoting more time than men to surfing the net by the end of this year"... They always have to out do us don't they?   :)

This is brilliant (the credit card prank), and I just read the latest news: Teams suspended for scoring too many goals. Apparently both are second division Indian teams competing for promotion. They were suspended because of the suspicious scorelines: Curtorim Gym beat Sangolda Lightning 61-1, while Wilfred Leisure scored a 55-1 win over Dona Paula. Sounds a bit like the last ALC game: they won 18-1 against (I think it was) Doncaster.   :)

Under the title of "Quit Complaining About Your Job", I received these photos earlier today:

And this one makes me feel sick just looking at it!



(Thanks to Wassim for these...)

As Bart would say: "Nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything ... it was like that when I got here!"

(Thanks to Anna for this one...)

Typo Changes Ad to 'Brother for Sale': A woman wanted to sell her Brother brand sewing machine, so she put an ad in the newspaper under "Miscellaneous" and "Items under $50". The words "sewing machine" were accidentally dropped, leaving a "BROTHER" for sale. The woman said she has two brothers but is not putting either up for sale. One caller wanted to know if the price was negotiable.

Police fine speeding motorist £116,000: Police in Finland have issued a man who was caught exceeding a 25mph speed limit a £116,000 fine (fines are linked to the offender's income in Finland).
Man injured on way to collect safe driving award: Apparently he drove his truck off the road, through a barbed wire fence and into an embankment supporting a railway track after swerving to avoid an oncoming car...
Cross-Border Church Visit Costs Man $10,000: He lives on the US side of the Canada border but goes to Church in a nearby village in Quebec. That's quite a funny article. Apparently the local customs station is closed on Sundays, so he just drove around the locked gate, as he had done every weekend for months. But this time they caught him on the camera that had appeared as part of a tightening of border security back in May. If they don't have a permit, residents have to make a 200-mile detour to their daily trip to get home via the nearest staffed border checkpoint.
Frenchwoman Marries Her Dead Boyfriend: Under some circumstances, it's legal to marry a dead person in France!

Wise men 'could have been women': The CoE General Synod decided against using "wise men" in a prayer approved yesterday, on the basis that they may not necessarily have been men - or even wise. He he, it's funny how much belief can be based on just a single inexact translation. "It has been suggested that Matthew deliberately referred to Magos/magoi, meaning an official in the Persian court, to emphasise the visitors' exotic nature" but it "could mean either sex".

I'm finding it difficult to read this morning's headlines. "Kerry" gets quite a few mentions but it's not until you start reading the story that you find out whether it's about John Kerry, the US Democrat, or Kerry who won "I'm a celebrity...". Some of the headlines are quite amusing if you read the wrong one into them!   :)

Here's an idea. If schools are failing us, why not follow this school's example which works on a Confucian principle: let the kids do whatever they want and they'll turn out better. Hmm...

Banks have no scruples do they? They don't even care if their customers are human any more: Cow goes for a stroll in bank. "The animal was a nice customer," a bank spokeswoman told Bild newspaper. "It behaved, was friendly and didn't even knock anything over."

We're thinking of moving house to a little place just outside Leeds, not bad is it?

(courtesy of Wassim)

Boy survives tower leap after gaming despair: I always said it was a matter of life and death... He survived a 20 storey fall after he leapt to escape taunts by his older brother for losing in a computer game.

How do homing pigeons navigate? They follow roads. Researchers have cracked the puzzle of how pigeons find their way home: they just follow the main roads. Zoologists now believe the phrase "as the crow flies" no longer means the shortest most direct route between two points. They say it is likely that crows and other diurnal birds also choose AA-suggested routes, even though it makes their journeys longer. [see picture]

Some pigeons stick so rigidly to the roads that they even fly round roundabouts before choosing the exit to lead them back to their lofts.

"It really has knocked our research team sideways to find that after a decade-long international study, pigeons appear to ignore their inbuilt directional instincts and follow the road system," said Prof Tim Guilford, reader in animal behaviour at Oxford University's Department of Zoology.

"It was almost comical watching one group of birds that we released near a major A road. They followed the road to the first junction where they all turned right, and a couple of junctions on, they all turned left".

Matt: "I thought I would get at the ananova headlines before my brother does..." Hey, what's wrong with that...? I'm providing a service... :)

"Oh my word, so that's what happenned to my younger brother.." :) Well, at least 'Skeleton' makes a change from the usual fat jokes, so I can be thankful for that...

Wisdom of David Brent 'more memorable than Shakespeare': Shakespeare's most famous quotations are less well known than the cringeworthy sayings of David Brent, the fictional middle-manager from The Office, a survey claimed yesterday.

A third of those questioned remembered "Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue" was one of Brent's pearls of wisdom from the BBC comedy. But only 10 per cent knew that "Now is the winter of our discontent" was from Richard III.

Those aged under 25 were more familiar with the singers Will Smith and Will Young than with Shakespeare. Nearly 90 per cent were able to complete the lyrics: "Boom, shake shake shake the room"; none recognised the quote from Richard III.


I didn't know "Boom, shake shake shake the room" was from Richard III!?! :)

Wow, the world's really going downhill. I can just hear it: "Education is failing Britian. It was better in the old days, I remember when I were a lad ..." But could the world have sent robot scientists to Mars without the progress in education we have had? Corinna says that some of the Maths and English they are now teaching in Primary schools wasn't taught to us until we were in Secondary! What does that say about 'education failing us'? I remember a funny quote from Star Trek (sad I know... set in the 24th Century) where a 7 year old boy is going to his school class saying "No, daddy, I don't want to learn calculus today..."

The thing is, to 'advance' education (in some areas at least) you have to neglect some other areas - there's only so much time in a day. It sounds like some people would rather we were stuck in the 17th Century all being disease-ridden Shakespere worshipers! It's irrelevant now anyway; the times have moved on. I guess for some people, complaining is just the natural way to deal with change...

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

And here's some extracts from Church bulletins:

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
• Ushers will eat latecomers
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy
• GOD IS GOOD, Dr. Hargreaves is better [appeared on the bulletin during the minister's illness]
• Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow
• And the classic: Don't let worry kill you off – let the church help

Call to ban 'lord of manor' charges: Ancient laws under which a businessman is demanding thousands of pounds as the "lord of the manor" (a title which he bought) for using his land are to be debated by MPs.

I didn't think this kind of thing still happened, but I guess it does. I found it quite funny until I saw how much he was asking for: 9% of the value of people's homes + another £411 "to cover his costs in preparing his case against them"!! And he's not joking either: 'In a letter, his solicitor Donald Gray tells Peterstone residents that his client "would prefer an amicable settlement" but is prepared to "litigate matters to a final conclusion" if the letters are ignored.' The person they interviewed even had to take out a second mortgage.

So I did a search for some other funny laws. These are some from the US (as of 1971):

• Nicholas County, WV: No Clergy shall tell a joke from the pulpit.
• Compton, CA: Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited.
• Lake Charles, LA: It's illegal to let a rain puddle remain in your front yard more than 12 hours.
• Walden, NY: You cannot give someone a drink of water without a permit.
• Vermont: It's illegal to whistle underwater.
• Fort Madison, IA: Fire department personnel are required to practice 15 minutes before attending a fire.
• New York City, NY: No decks of cards allowed in any apartment located within a mile's radius of an armory.
• South Carolina: Hip pockets are illegal. (They provide a convenient place for pint bottles)

And here's some more:

• In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be lifted by the law if the driver is deemed either 'poorly dressed' or 'unbathed'.
• On the island of Jersey it's against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
• In Michigan, it is illegal to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.
• It is against the law to whale hunt in Oklahoma.
• In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal for a moose to walk on the side walk.
• In Quebec, Canada, an old law states that margarine must be a different colour from butter.
• According to a british law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.
• It is illegal to sell an ET doll in France. They have a law forbidding the sale of dolls that do not have human faces.
• Salt Lake City, Utah, has a law against carrying an unwrapped ukulele on the street.

And some more:

• Louisiana: It is illegal to gargle in public
• Massachusetts: No shaving while driving
• Utah: Birds have the right of way on the state highways
• Maine: Walking down the street with your shoe strings untied is illegal
• Nebraska: It is actually illegal to spit against the wind!
• Connecticut: Restaurants have to provide separate nose-blowing and non-nose-blowing sections
• California: It's against the law to peel an orange in your hotel room
• Chicago: It's illegal to go fishing in your pajamas
• Florida: It's illegal to break more than 3 dishes a day
• France: It is illegal to land a flying saucer in a vineyard (???)
• Iceland: Anyone can practice medicine as long as they display a sign saying "Scottulaejnir" (Loosely translated, "Quack Doctor")

He he...

Latest Headlines
Bond-style car 'will drive and fly across Channel': A Swiss firm is planning to prove a new car they have developed can travel on land, sea and air by driving it across the English Channel.
Pensioner told she's too old to buy a jigsaw: A pensioner who tried to buy a jigsaw from a mail order firm was turned away by staff, for being too old (she is 84). The phone operator told her the sale couldn't go ahead because people over the age of 80 have trouble filling out the forms. The operator's boss later apologised and explained the ban only applies to people over the age of 90. That's ok then.
San Fran set for feng-shui law: A San Francisco politician has proposed a new law which would mean planners have to consider a building's energy flows.
Television thief still in jail after 33 years: A US man who was jailed in 1970 for his first and only criminal conviction - stealing a television - says he hopes to be released in December.

Man fails in bid to sue restaurant over 'wrong' soup: Donald Johnson had been seeking £31,000 from a restaurant chain after getting clam chowder when he ordered potato soup in an incident in 1995. He has suffered from psychological and sleep disorders every since because of it.

Do you ever get told "there's no such thing as 'issues', they're opportunities to excel"?

A new salesman rang his boss to say he had a problem. "We don't have problems here," said the pious executive, "only opportunities."

"Well," replied the rep, "you've got the opportunity to buy me a new car. I've just written off the one you gave me yesterday".

Church rules chess is not the work of the devil: I did always wonder...

Wow! Matt got an 823.5 on the penguin game, but I have to say the picture looks a little tampered with... :)

Scarborough goalie's FA Cup memento ruined: Scarborough goalie Leigh Walker says he's "sickened" after his mother washed a Chelsea shirt which had been signed by all the team.

Doh! My mum would do that... :)

Whoohoo - I got a 323.4!

Try this: Penguin (Click on the Yeti to start. Click him again to start his swing. If you miss, it will give you a "0" for distance; just click "OK" to give it another go - credit to Wassim for finding this...)

He he, that's great... I managed to get a 284 somehow on my first attempt (that actually connected) but haven't been able to get anything better since! The trick is to get it to skip along the ground (like skimming with pebbles...)

He he, I hope they score. Shameless promotion, but fun anyway... :)

Scarborough's cheeky plans for Chelsea goal: Scarborough footballers have agreed to perform one of the cheekiest goal celebrations of all time if they score against high-flying Chelsea.

Magazine blunder directs walkers over cliff: Britain's biggest-selling hillwalking magazine has apologised after the latest issue contained a route that would have led climbers off the edge of a cliff.

Man with Tesco insurance can't sue Tesco: A man who bought insurance from Tesco has been told he can't claim for legal costs in an action he's taking against Tesco.

I'm glad I'm not with them anymore then!

The scientist's latest theory of evolution apparently goes like this:

Bedingfield says head brace has its perks: Daniel Bedingfield says the head brace fitted to his skull following his car crash in New Zealand is the "biggest chick magnet" he's ever had.

I love the last paragraph too: "he's holding an "I'm Not Dead" party in New Zealand this week." He he...

From Wassim, apparently a good example of traditional Egyptian architecture:

Latest Headlines
Fire crew watches house burn down (it was 200 yards outside their area of responsibility), but on a better note: Firefighters rescue bird from tree... :)

Bank robber handed back gun after release from jail

Streakers' restaurant prank backfires: Three men who went streaking through a restaurant watched in horror as a thief drove off in their getaway car.

Also, one way Leeds Utd could raise some cash: Football club sells Premiership spot to rival

Japanese toy maker comes up with dream machine - how would you know whether it worked though? I never remember any of my dreams!
Man donates £69K to church 'by mistake' - he he, I bet SCF wouldn't mind some mistakes like that... :)

I just did a spell check on a blog entry on the blog site which included the word "blog" and it didn't recognise it... :)

Latest Headlines
Police officers offered 35p to grow moustaches
Shopper returns computer stuffed with potatoes (can't believe they stole my idea!)
Audience thought broken leg was part of the show
£90,000 bill for the Sunday papers